Cello music filled a sanctuary here on Wednesday night as the audience clutched blue or pink carnations in honor of Transgender Day of Remembrance.
A slideshow cycled through pictures of trans daughters, brothers, coworkers and friends, forever frozen in confident, happy, candid moments.
As each name was read aloud, a gradual dawning swept through the room: Many of those memorialized were women of color. One was only 14. All had been killed in the last year because of anti-trans violence.
In the last year, 350 trans people were murdered worldwide, according to the Trans Murder Monitoring Project. The Human Rights Campaign found at least 36 trans people were killed in the US in a similar time frame. But the true toll, experts say, is much higher because trans deaths are often underreported.
Soren Ruppelius, a volunteer with the Delaware nonprofit Sussex Pride who helped organize the vigil, said Transgender Day of Remembrance, which is always a solemn event, feels particularly heavy this year.
“No matter how dark things get, you are never alone. We have always taken care of one another, and we always will,” he said.
“You are here because you care, and because you want to make a better future for all of us – a future where there is no need for vigils like this because every trans person is able to live the full and happy life that they deserve.”
A candle burned in honor of each person. One by one, the flames were extinguished.
Donald Trump’s election victory has ushered in a period of uncertainty and fear for many transgender Americans. Here in Delaware, trans residents and their allies told CNN their emotions have wavered over the weeks since the election.
Many are proud to have elected Sarah McBride, the nation’s first known transgender lawmaker to serve in Congress. But that joy has been eclipsed by anxiety and fear amid Trump’s return to the White House in January.
After Trump’s presidential campaign was dominated by anti-trans rhetoric, many Delawareans told CNN they’re now afraid the raft of Republican-backed policies that have targeted trans people in states across the nation could soon become the law of the land.
In perhaps a harbinger of what’s to come for McBride – and the trans community across the country – Republican Rep. Nancy Mace, of South Carolina, introduced a resolution Monday to bar transgender women from using women’s restrooms at the US Capitol – a proposal that solely targeted the congresswoman-elect weeks before she’s officially sworn into office.
“I’m not here to fight about bathrooms,” McBride said Wednesday in a statement posted on social media. “This effort to distract from the real issues facing this country hasn’t distracted me over the last several days, as I’ve remained hard at work preparing to represent the greatest state in the union come January.”
But McBride is stepping into the spotlight – and into history – at a critical moment for the nation’s trans community. For years, Republicans have seized on transgender rights as an animating cause in the culture war.
On the campaign trail, Trump vowed to get so-called “transgender insanity the hell out of our schools.”
“President Trump campaigned on common sense policies: ending discussions about gender and sex in classrooms, reorienting public education to focus on reading, writing, and math, and ending taxpayer funded transgender surgeries for inmates in federal prisons,” Karoline Leavitt, a spokeswoman for the Trump-Vance transition, said in a statement to CNN.
Next month, the Supreme Court will hear oral arguments over whether state bans on gender-affirming care for minors are constitutional.
The weight of it all could be felt throughout the sanctuary Wednesday, as a trans youth activist with the organization Bulletproof Pride addressed the audience.
“As we gather here today, I know the air is heavy,” Vienna Cavazos said. “Not just because of why we’re gathered here, but also because of the reality we face outside of those doors.”
“Just two weeks ago the movement for trans liberation took one step forward, and a nosedive back.”
‘A gut punch’
Although she lives in Delaware, a state that is relatively progressive when it comes to ensuring transgender rights, Andrea didn’t get much sleep on election night.
As the results came in and the Electoral College shifted to favor former President Donald Trump, Andrea told CNN her family text message thread grew more and more frantic, and she became consumed with fear for her daughter.
Andrea asked CNN to only use her first name because of concerns for her family’s safety.
“Not only do I have a transgender child, not only do I know a lot of parents with transgender children, but I’m also Jewish and we know that antisemitism was on the rise,” she said. “It was like a gut punch.”
One week after Election Day, the Delaware Sexuality and Gender Collective held a virtual call for the state’s trans residents and their families to process the election and question what comes next.
Julissa Coriano and her son, Noah Duckett – both clinical social workers who specialize in counseling the trans community and those navigating their sexuality – cofounded the organization to help connect people with resources and support during their transition.
After the election, Coriano said even as they celebrate McBride’s victory, she and her son are steeling themselves for years of consoling a vulnerable community as they grapple with the reality of a second Trump administration.
“It’s painful to know that your existence is a topic of debate,” Coriano told CNN. “I have so much faith in the universe and humanity, and it kind of let me down.”
On the call, Coriano encouraged participants to open up about how they were feeling. There was a beat of silence and then a tidal wave of questions came:
Will my child lose access to their gender-affirming care? Will officially changing my name or gender marker now put me on some sort of list? Can I send my child their medication if they live in a different state?
Answers to those questions are unclear at this point, but Coriano and Duckett tried to ease the palpable anxiety by assuring everyone that – at least in Delaware – there are resources and lawmakers who are dedicated to protecting the trans community.
Mike Brickner, executive director of ACLU of Delaware, didn’t sugarcoat the new reality, but vowed that his organization would continue to fight for trans rights.
But a single question cut to the heart of the community’s fear: Should we even be meeting publicly to mark Transgender Day of Remembrance this year? The silence returned.
Duckett later told CNN the fears expressed on the call mirrored what he’s heard from many of his clients in the days since the election.
“A lot of people are feeling kind of paralyzed,” he said. “And as a therapist, I feel kind of paralyzed too, because I’m not sure how to navigate this in my own life. And you never want to lead anyone astray.”
Andrea, who was also on the call, later told CNN the conversation stoked her fears. She said up until that point she’d been “following the grief stages backwards,” starting with a reluctant acceptance of Trump’s victory.
But in the days since, she’s worked her way back to denial. Andrea said she’s tried to draw a modicum of comfort in knowing both she and the country have faced transgender discrimination before and come out the other side.
“We went through (my daughter’s transition) before any type of affirming policies were out there in Delaware or nationally,” she said.
At the time, she added, many of the endocrinologists she consulted about her daughter’s care dismissed her family and said, “we were crazy.”
‘The most powerful thing we can do right now is survive’
Now – despite Trump’s reelection and the specter of conservative attacks against the trans community – Andrea said she is choosing to focus on McBride’s victory and the sheer number of people pausing to mark Transgender Day of Remembrance.
“By Sarah winning, it lets (trans kids) know, ‘I don’t have to hide my whole life. I really can do anything,’” she said.
“At the same time, I’ve never seen in Delaware so many Trans Remembrance Day activities as I’m seeing this year,” she said. “We have to remember the fight that they had and the struggle they had.”
As the vigil closed Wednesday night, Cavazos acknowledged the fear, anger and anxiety gripping the state’s transgender community has yet to fully wear off.
“But where it has, it’s been replaced with determination,” they said. “On November 5 we made history by electing Sarah McBride. We sent a message to the next administration: We’re not going anywhere and we’re not backing down.”
The sanctuary filled with applause.
“As trans people the most powerful thing we can do right now is survive,” Cavazos said. “Though the present feels bleak, I truly believe that if we fight for it the future, even if it feels far away, it can be bright.”
