If there’s one thing everyone knows about Anthony Scaramucci, it’s that he can talk – and talk and talk.
Not only does the 10-day Trump White House communications director like to gab, he’s good at it. He can turn a phrase and drop an insult with the very best.
Which brings me to a new Vanity Fair story in which Scaramucci sat for – as described by author William D. Cohan – “a series of three epic interviews” that seem to represent the latest effort by the indefatigable Scaramucci to talk his way back into President Trump’s good graces and – maybe just maybe – back into the White House.
I went through the story, which you should read in full, and plucked out the very best Scaramucci quotes. It wasn’t easy to leave any on the cutting room floor, but I somehow managed to make it all work.
My favorite Moochisms are below.
1. “I’m not gonna be this gold-chain-adorned guy driving around as a Long Island guido.”
And away we go!
2. I want you to imagine the worst person that you’ve met on Wall Street, the most ruthless and the most diabolical. That’s the best person in Washington.”
This is a long-standing Mooch argument to explain his dismissal after 10 days – that he was unaware of what a pit of vipers politics can be and that it was so, so much worse than the business world. I’ve lived in Washington for 20 years and I’ve never worked in the New York business world, but I still feel relatively comfortable believing that Mooch doth protest too much about how terrible the nation’s capital is.
3. “Rancid Penis”
This is Scaramucci’s nickname for Trump’s first White House chief of staff Reince Priebus. They weren’t super tight.
4. “He’s just very jealous, can’t believe I’m this close to Trump.”
Don’t be jelly, Rancid Penis!
5. “They’re Richie Cunningham and they’re Opie from The Andy Griffith Show, but they’re the f*#^*ing Sith Lord behind your back.”
Like I said, the Mooch has a way with words. It’s a blessing and a curse, really.
6. “They’re hitting you with a lightsaber behind your back.”
The old lightsaber-behind-the-back trick. Works every time!
7. “But Bannon turns on me, because Bannon is ultimately railing against the swamp, but he’s actually a cock of the swamp.”
Scaramucci is referring to one-time White House senior political strategist Steve Bannon here. And, while I feel like I am pretty conversant in most insults and putdowns, “cock of the swamp” is a new one to me. I don’t know of any roosters who reside in swamps.
8. “He’s the creature from the Black Lagoon, Bannon. He acts more swamp-like than any person that’s ever become a Washingtonian.”
Wait. I thought Bannon was the “cock of the swamp,” not the “creature from the Black Lagoon”? Can he be both?
9. “He is literally the pig in George Orwell’s “Animal Farm” that stands on his two legs the minute he gets power.”
OK, so, wait. Bannon is a pig who can stand on two feet now? (By the way: That would be cool to see.)
10. “He is the creature from the Black Lagoon.”
Just to be clear, Bannon is the following things:
a) “cock of the swamp”
b) “creature from the Black Lagoon”
c) A pig who can stand on two feet
d) the creature from the Black Lagoon, again
It’s been a heady trip!
11. “Jared [Kushner] said that Trump likes me because he realizes [that], like his father, I came from nowhere and had nothing.”
Started from the bottom now we here!
12. “What was going on was absolute berserkazoid craziness: internecine warfare, leaks every 13 seconds, Bannon leaking on everybody, Priebus leaking on everybody, total chaos in the White House, total disorganization.”
“Absolute Berserkazoid Craziness” was the name of my scream-metal band in college.
14. “Remember, I’m not intimidated by Trump.”
Oh, I remember.
15. “I’m gonna go out there and turn the lights back on and all the cameras and everything, and we’re gonna try to open it up a little bit.”
This is Scaramucci recounting what he told the President and Ivanka Trump in a meeting in which they decided to announce he would be coming on as the communications director the next day. And, he’s right about this: The day he became communications director, the ridiculous White House policy of holding the daily press briefing off-camera ended. And it’s stayed that way ever since.
16. “I go from being told I’m gonna be the comms director to Priebus and Bannon trying to block me throughout the night. Now they’re trying to kill me while I’m in the job.”
17. “He says, ‘Hey, you want to know something? You want to know what your chances are to become the comms director this morning here at the White House? You want to know what your chances are?’ I said, ‘What are my chances, Stephen?’ [Replied Bannon]: ‘Zero! You got that, man? Zero. You got it? Zero.’”
This is the Scaramucci version of the phone call he and Bannon shared on the day he was to be named communications director. No words. Except: How could anyone have foreseen this might not go perfectly? It was the perfect plan!
18. “But the guy who has ‘president’ in front of his last name, I kind of have 100 percent.”
More Mooch on Bannon action here. Also, love the “Oh yeah, well that’s not what the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES thinks of me” defense.
19. “Priebus is now, he’s pulling the Howdy Doody, Richie Cunningham delivery and ‘Oh golly gee shucks, we’re friends.’”
The Mooch is on to you, Rancid Penis!
20. ‘I’m looking at the two of you jamokes. If my network took a s#*! it would be the combination of the two of you.”
This is the most New York City putdown of all time. And, yes, “jamokes” is a highly underrated insult.
21. “I’m getting the stern looks of anger and hatred from Sean Spicer.”
Are there any other kind?
22. “So I give the press conference and millions of people see it and it’s all over the world.”
You can see why Trump and the Mooch are kindred spirits.
23. ‘Mr. President, I hope I can do the job, but you’ve got to know knives are out for me. Those two guys are sh*&^ting in their pants.’”
REMINDER: THIS WAS ON SCARAMUCCI’S 1ST DAY IN THE JOB.
24. “I’m Italian. I like using the word ‘love.’”
Same. And same.
25. “Of course I used the f-bomb a few times. I’m prone to do that … And I’m making some jokes and I’m playing for laughs, because that’s my personality.”
Left out of this recounting of his interview with the New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza is that a) The Mooch is the White House communications director and b) he is speaking to Lizza on the record.
26. “Do I say that it’s off the record? I don’t, but I feel that I have a personal rapport with a human being, and inside the spirit of human relations, journalists and their sources know what’s on and off the record.”
Uh, no. When the top White House press person calls a reporter and just starts talking, there’s absolutely no reason to believe that conversation is off the record. Like, none.
27. “We’ll work on a deal. I’ll fly you around on Air Force One.”
The Mooch tried to bargain with Lizza not to post his comments. It, um, didn’t work.
28. “By late Sunday, I’m getting a feeling that I’m gonna get fired.”
What does that feel like? Like a tingle on the back of your neck? Asking for a friend.
29. “I’m very self-observant.”
Self-observancy is key. Always.
30. “There’s no e-mail and there’s no cell service. They’ve disconnected my phone.”
The Mooch learned he had been fired because his encrypted phone didn’t work. Dagger!
31. “Wow. That’s super disappointing.”
This is the first thing Mooch said when newly installed chief of staff John Kelly told him he was fired. I would have gone with: “Come on man? What are we doing out there, man?”
32. “I learned that the swamp is probably a gold-plated cesspool with no drain. You understand what I’m saying?”
I mean, sort of?
33. “The shot’s going in. Michael Jordan, that last shot in the championship, he wanted the ball. That’s Trump.”
Donald, are you listening? The Mooch thinks you are Michael Jordan. So, any, um, you know, West Wing openings or….
