Sex just isn’t the same with your partner anymore. When you confide that sad reality to a friend, what’s the first culprit you discuss? Overwork? Young children? Relationship problems, or even the worst-case scenario — an affair?
You may want to start by looking at your sleep habits as a couple, said Dr. Phyllis Zee, chief of sleep medicine at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine and director of its Center for Circadian and Sleep Medicine in Chicago.
“Don’t just toss it up to ‘My partner just isn’t interested,’ or ‘I’m too tired to care about sexual desire,’ or ‘Oh, I’m just getting old, that’s just the way it is,’” Zee said. “Look at yourself, look at your sleep habits and consider those of your partner as well.”
Poor quality sleep is directly linked to inadequate levels of sex hormones, such as testosterone — and if you think that just applies to men, think again.
“The sex drive in both men and women is testosterone-related — testosterone increases libido,” Zee said. “Testosterone begins to rise about 3 or 4 o’clock and peaks in the morning. And studies have shown that if you have disrupted sleep, those levels fall.”
Women over 50 who slept fewer than seven to eight hours per night were less likely to report being sexually active than younger women, according to a 2017 Menopause Society study. It’s a problem that worsens with age as sleep becomes more precious. In fact, women older than 70 who slept fewer than five hours a night were 30% less likely to be sexually active than women sleeping seven to eight hours, that study found.
A 2021 analysis of studies found men who were sleep-deprived had lower testosterone levels, while another study found men with disturbed sleep had both lower testosterone levels and higher amounts of cortisol, the stress hormone.
When sleep becomes a priority, however, sex lives can improve. A 2015 study of sleep and sex in college students found each additional hour of sleep was correlated to an improved libido, greater vaginal lubrication and a 14% increase in having sex the next day.
“I think it is legitimate to say that one is too tired for sex,” said Ian Kerner, a licensed couples therapist in New York City who is a writer and CNN contributor on sex and relationships.
But how we think of sex might require a change in perspective.
“We also have to look at sex as less of a light switch that you turn on and off, and more as a dimmer that you really need to let simmer and then turn up to percolate sexual desire,” Kerner said. “It requires an attitudinal shift. I think you have to show up prepared to simmer, then percolate and let desire emerge, as opposed to it just happening.”
Want more from your sex life? Get prepared to spice it up this year with a new perspective on sleep.
Work on your sleep hygiene
We keep our bodies clean, washing skin and hair and brushing and flossing teeth. If we just rolled into and out of bed without doing any of those things at night and in the morning, we’d soon be a mess. The same applies to sleep, experts say.
Just as you choose your clothes or style your hair, you need to prepare your body and bedroom for good sleep. Keep the bedroom cool and dark without blue light distractions such as televisions and smartphones. Avoid eating or drinking about three hours before retiring — especially alcohol, which will wake you in the middle of the night once it metabolizes. Try soothing music, yoga or meditation or consider a warm bath or shower to relax.
And most importantly, Zee said, plan to disengage your mind.
“Stop the work and prepare for relaxation,” Zee said. “Stop being engaged mentally about an hour before you go to bed so that you can be more relaxed and ready for sleep.”
You’re also more likely to be relaxed enough for sex, which brings its own sleep benefits.
“Sex is actually good for sleep,” Kerner said. “Sex itself is a process of getting into a flow state, getting into our bodies and turning off our anxious minds. Orgasms release hormones and neurotransmitters that promote sleep, so good sex nurtures sleep.”
Get tested for a sleep disorder
Sleep disorders can also interfere with sex, and millions of Americans have one or more, often undiagnosed. Obstructive sleep apnea — a potentially dangerous condition in which people stop breathing for 10 seconds or more at a time multiple times an hour — has been linked to erectile dysfunction in men and sexual disorders in women.
While snoring is a common symptom of sleep apnea, so are night sweats, tooth grinding and morning headaches. All these can be warning signs that you should visit a sleep specialist.
Insomnia, in which people wake during the night and have trouble getting back to sleep, is another sign of sleep apnea — as well as a sleep disorder on its own — and is linked to sexual issues in both men and women.
Poor sleep also increases the risk of diabetes and cardiovascular problems in both sexes, limiting blood flow that may affect sexual function as well.
What’s your sleep chronotype?
Circadian rhythm sleep disorders, which present as an inability to sleep at the desired time to function optimally at work and school, can also wreak havoc with one’s sex life. Shift workers, who split their days and nights or work entirely overnight, often experience chronic sexual dysfunction — and that applies to both men and women.
Mismatched sleep chronotypes — such as one partner who is a night owl and stays up late while the other is an early bird who’s in bed by 9 p.m. — can negatively affect a couple’s sex life. Studies show that couples who go to bed and get up together report greater sexual satisfaction and better sleep quality.
“Be mindful of your partner’s chronotype,” Zee said, “and if you aren’t certain, there are chronotype questionnaires online that you both can take.”
While your sleep chronotype is genetically programmed, there are ways you can adjust to match your partner’s preference. A night owl, for example, can turn off lights earlier to trigger the release of melatonin, nature’s sleep hormone, and flood their eyes with early morning light to turn it off.
“The strongest reset for the circadian system is bright light,” Zee told CNN in an earlier interview. “Light in the morning changes the oscillation of your circadian clock genes at both a cellular and molecular level. You are also training all your rhythms, whether it’s sleep, blood pressure, heart rate or your cortisol rhythm to be earlier.”
Eating evening meals at an earlier time also sends a message to the body to adjust its internal rhythm, as does moving one’s exercise routine to the morning or early afternoon.
“I think exercise is really good for both sleep and sex,” Zee said. “It boosts muscle, limbers joints and can increase your libido.”
Good sleep and good sex take practice
All too often people expect to fall asleep when their head hits the pillow — or have their libido work at will — but that’s a pipe dream, Kerner said.
“It’s really easy to develop bad sleep habits that can affect the quality of your sleep, and the same is true for sex,” he said.
“A lot of people think sex is spontaneous, sex is organic, sexual chemistry and sexual fireworks should just happen,” Kerner said. “And that’s absolutely not true in long-term relationships. Good sex, just like good sleep, needs to be planned.”
Kerner often gives couples he works with homework assignments that he calls “willingness windows.”
“I ask them to carve out a window of time to be willing to be sexual with each other. It doesn’t have to result in sex. It can just be 15 minutes of kissing or fooling around, just trying to warm up and see where things go,” he said.
“Any sexual contact reminds you and your partner that sex is part of your life, and it’s important. Any shared arousal, any flirtation, is a positive move toward future sexual events.”
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