Look, fam. Let’s just acknowledge things are kinda crappy.
Four days to Christmas, the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, and the government is about to shut down for an indeterminate time, throwing life into upheaval for thousands of federal workers and the millions of Americans who depend on them to, among other things, keep the airports functioning during peak holiday travel.
In this Dickensian episode of America in Decline, Ebenezer Scrooge isn’t just some rich guy — he’s the richest guy on the planet. And this holiday season, he’s going after everyone. (Unless, of course, you’re part of a far-right German party with ties to neo-Nazis — those guys he’s cool with.)
And in case that wasn’t enough, there’s a rash of winter storms threatening to snarl that last-minute trip to the mall because you forgot — again — to get the dog pajamas for the Christmas morning Instagram. Maybe while you’re out you can grab a latte to power through the late-night wrapping marathon… but then you remember Starbucks’ unionized workers are on strike and you feel conflicted about crossing the picket line. Oh well, just make some coffee at home on the new French press you just ordered from Amazon… aw, crap.
Wait, and there might be mysterious flying objects over New Jersey, and half of America is making thirsty memes about an alleged assassin? What next, Party City is going out of business? (Yes, yes it is. Also, the New Jersey thing: It’s probably just planes.)
What. Is. Happening?
Let’s start with the politics. As of Friday afternoon, the US government is just hours away from shutting down unless lawmakers can pass a funding plan by midnight. This sadly predictable showdown is one of the many perks of American democracy, where every now and then one party gets to hold the entire country hostage over petty interpersonal rifts and grievances.
But in a twist, this time around it’s Elon Musk, not an elected official, throwing a wrench in the cogs of parliamentary process.
Musk, who spent a quarter of a billion dollars helping Trump win reelection, effectively torpedoed a bipartisan spending plan on Wednesday while he went on X to rage against the deal, posting the phone numbers of members of Congress to his 208 million followers, suggesting those leaders be primaried if they support it.
Trump’s team has sought to play down the Musk of it all, with a spokesperson for the transition team telling The Hill:
“As soon as President Trump released his official stance on the CR (continuing resolution), Republicans on Capitol Hill echoed his point of view. President Trump is the leader of the Republican Party. Full stop.”
Which, like, really doesn’t ring true when you have to say it out loud like that.
Anyway.
The upshot is that a deal isn’t likely to come together in time. And that means Musk, the CEO of the most valuable car maker on the planet with $455 billion to his name, is the guy campaigning for hundreds of thousands of federal workers should stop getting a paycheck for a while.
“Truly, I don’t know what’s going on,” Maine Republican Sen. Susan Collins said at one point on Thursday.
Welcome to the club, Suze!
When the government shuts down, the pain ripples far beyond the roughly 2 million people who work in the federal bureaucracy that Musk and his doubled-up head of “government efficiency,” Vivek Ramaswamy, find so intolerable.
Each department has its own shutdown protocol, with certain jobs deemed “essential” — think, air-traffic controllers and law enforcement officers — who would continue to report to work, while “nonessential” roles would stay home. Essential workers would eventually receive back pay, whenever the government gets back online, while nonessentials have to go without pay.
Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah, everyone!
Ignoring the politics of the moment is a privilege not afforded to folks who’ll be hurt by them, but let’s pretend for a moment that all of the DC drama isn’t, like, happening. (Oh, that wishing made it so.)
There are things we can cling to for comfort in the face of all this uncertainty. That new Superman trailer looks pretty good (the dog!). Friday’s inflation reading came in better than expected and helped stocks bounce back from a Thursday selloff. The invasive “murder hornet” in Washington State has apparently been eradicated. And we’re finally getting to hear Haliey “Hawk Tuah Girl” Welch’s side of the meme coin crash.
Still, there’s no sugarcoating it: The vibes are off. The government is about to clock out for who-knows-how-long, and many of us are about to travel to places we don’t live (ugh), through ice and snow (ugh), to spend time with extended family (no comment) and open gifts we never wanted but will dutifully pretend to adore.
Stay safe out there, America. And remember, we’re all in this together.
