Story highlights
- Arlene Holmes testifies in the death penalty phase of her son James' murder trial
- She says things could have been different if her son's psychiatrist had told her James harbored homicidal thoughts
- Mother: "He has a serious mental illness. He didn't ask for that."
Centennial, Colorado (CNN)If only she'd known, Arlene Holmes said. If only her son's psychiatrist had said something about the bad, scary things going on inside his head, she could have done so much more.
"I would have been crawling here on all fours," Holmes told a jury tasked with deciding whether her only son lives or dies. "None of this would have happened."
"This" is one of the worst mass shootings in recent U.S. history. And 27-year-old son, James Eagan Holmes, someone she always thought of as a good boy, stands convicted as the shooter.
But, in a phone call a month before the theater shootings, psychiatrist Lynne Fenton didn't say a word to Arlene Holmes about the homicidal thoughts her son had voiced. She said nothing about her belief that he might be psychotic.
"She didn't tell me. She didn't tell me. She didn't tell me," Holmes said, breaking into tears on the witness stand as her son looked on, rocking gently in his chair.
"We wouldn't be sitting here if she'd told me that."
All the psychiatrist said when she called on June 11, 2012, was that her son was dropping out of his graduate course in neuroscience at the University of Colorado's Anschutz Medical Campus.
"She said she saw him for social anxiety, and he had come to her for this problem," Arlene Holmes recalled. "She said, 'Did you know he quit school?' I said I suspected it because he was struggling."
With the limited information she had, all she could do was offer to pay for her son's sessions with the psychiatrist after his student insurance ran out. "I said, 'we work, we have money. We can pay for it.' She said that would be fine."
She never again heard from Fenton.
12 dead, 70 wounded -- and a hard look back
Photos: Colorado movie theater massacre
Photos: Colorado movie theater massacre
The public gets its first glimpse of James Holmes, then 24, the suspect in the Colorado theater shooting during his initial court appearance July 23, 2012. With his hair dyed reddish-orange, Holmes, here with public defender Tamara Brady, showed little emotion. He is accused of opening fire in a movie theater July 20, 2012, in Aurora, Colorado, killing 12 people and wounding 70. Holmes faces 166 counts, almost all alleging murder or attempted murder. He has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. More photos: Mourning the victims of the Colorado theater massacre
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Police release the official photo from Holmes' booking after the shooting.
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Holmes often had a blank stare during his July 23, 2012, court appearance, seeming to be in a daze.
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Victims and their relatives and journalists watch the proceedings in 2012.
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Flags fly at half-staff on July 23, 2012, at the Arapahoe County Courthouse in Centennial, Colorado, where the movie theater shooting suspect had his first court appearance. The murder counts against Holmes carry a possible death penalty.
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Arapahoe County District Attorney Carol Chambers talks to reporters July 23, 2012, before heading into the courthouse. The murder counts against Holmes carry a possible death penalty.
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Family members of the victims arrive at the courthouse July 23, 2012, for the suspect's first court appearance.
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The Century Aurora 16 multiplex in Aurora becomes a place of horror after a gunman opened fire July 20, 2012, in a crowded theater.
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Holmes is accused of opening fire during a midnight screening of the Batman movie "The Dark Knight Rises." Holmes purchased four weapons and more than 6,000 rounds of ammunition, police say.
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Police investigate outside the Century 16 multiplex July 21, 2012, a day after the mass shooting.
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Agents search the suspect's car outside the theater.
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Aurora police escort a sand-filled dump truck containing improvised explosive devices removed from Holmes' booby-trapped apartment on July 21, 2012. Authorities have said they believe the suspect rigged his place before leaving for the movie theater.
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Police break a window at the suspect's apartment July 20, 2012, in Aurora.
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Law enforcement officers speak with Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper, center, outside the suspect's apartment July 21, 2012.
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Law enforcement officers prepare to disarm the booby-trapped apartment July 21, 2012.
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Officials tow cars outside Holmes' apartment July 21, 2012. Police disassembled devices and trip wires set up in the apartment.
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Officers prepare to place an explosive device inside the apartment.
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Debris flies out a window, right, after law enforcement officers detonate an explosive device inside the apartment July 21, 2012.
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People mourn the victims during a vigil behind the theater where a gunman opened fire on moviegoers in Aurora.
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A woman grieves during a vigil for victims behind the theater.
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A distraught woman receives counseling from the Rev. Quincy Shannon, left, in front of Gateway High School in Aurora, where the families of the missing met after the shooting.
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Lin Gan of Aurora holds back tears as she speaks to reporters about her experience in the Century 16 theater.
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People embrace before a vigil for victims behind the theater where a gunman opened fire on moviegoers.
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Investigators work on evidence near the apartment of James Holmes on July 20, 2012.
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Members of the Aurora Police Department SWAT unit walk near the Holmes' apartment.
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Television news crews gather in front of the home of Robert and Arlene Holmes, parents of suspect James Holmes, in San Diego on July 21, 2012.
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A popcorn box lies on the ground outside the Century 16 movie theater.
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Adariah Legarreta, 4, is comforted by her grandmother Rita Abeyta near the Century 16 Theater in Aurora.
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Jessica Ghawi, an aspiring sportscaster, was one of the victims.
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A woman waits for news outside Gateway High School, a few blocks from the scene of the shooting at the Century Aurora 16.
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Aurora police chief Daniel J. Oates speaks at a press conference near the Century 16 Theater on July 20, 2012.
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Agents search the trash container outside the suspect's apartment in Aurora.
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A Federal ATF officer carries protective gear onsite at the home of the shooting suspect.
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President Obama speaks on the shootings at a July 20, 2012, event in Fort Myers, Florida.
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Moviegoers are interviewed at the Century Aurora 16.
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Officers gather at the theater July 20, 2012.
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Investigators were a common sight at the theater on July 20, 2012.
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Authorities gather at the shooting suspect's apartment building in Aurora. Police broke a second-floor window to look for explosives the suspect claimed were in the apartment.
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Screaming, panicked moviegoers scrambled to escape from the black-clad gunman, who wore a gas mask and randomly shot as he walked up the theater's steps, witnesses said.
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Onlookers gather outside the Century Aurora 16 theater.
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A woman sits on top of her car near the crime scene.
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Police block access to the Town Center mall after the shooting.
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Cell phone video taken by someone at the theater showed scores of people screaming and fleeing the building. Some, like this man, had blood on their clothes.
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Witnesses told KUSA the gunman kicked in an emergency exit door and threw a smoke bomb into the darkened theater before opening fire.
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What is believed to be the suspect's car is examined after the shooting.
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Five weeks later, James Holmes burst into a crowded movie theater, armed to the teeth and wearing body armor. He tossed a tear gas canister and then fired into the crowd, using three guns. Twelve people died and 70 more were wounded.
A jury has convicted James Holmes of 24 counts of capital murder -- two counts for each person slain -- and is now deciding whether the former doctorate candidate should receive the death penalty.
"We don't kill people for being sick," defense attorney Rebekka Higgs said in her opening statement. It is the heart of a defense effort to persuade the jury to show mercy and recognize the role that James Holmes' mental illness played in the crime.
Three dozen witnesses have testified during the so-called mitigation phase, including James Holmes' parents and sister. Jurors could begin their deliberations as soon as Thursday afternoon.
The defense witnesses painted a picture of an exuberant boy, described by one teacher as a "Renaissance child," who grew into a bright but nerdy teen and then a socially withdrawn adult.
Looking back, his mother says, she can see how her son changed as he began adolescence just before the family moved from Northern California to San Diego. Once quick and skilled at soccer, he became uncoordinated and spent most of his time playing cards and video games.
"He was living on a blue note," she said. She added that she felt guilty about her son "losing his joy."
But despite the worry and the trips to counselors, she never thought he could be seriously mentally ill. Sure, she worried about the way he isolated himself from people. But he didn't get in trouble, he wasn't mean and he did well in school. "I thought I had a good kid," she said.
She just assumed he was painfully shy. Other family members shared that trait.
"We never thought it was something like schizophrenia," she said.
Higgs asked the question everyone in the room was thinking: How can that be?
A stoic family
"He was the most responsible person I know," the mother replied. "I knew my own son. He managed his own finances. He went to school every day. He did all his chores without being told. He never harmed anyone, ever, until July 20, 2012."
The Holmes family did not indulge in lengthy discussions about their feelings, both parents acknowledged. Indeed, they didn't talk much at all. Arlene Holmes said she taught her children as she was taught -- "Be stoic, don't complain, don't be weak."
Instead, they kept James and his sister, Chris, busy with school, sports, music lessons, vacations, trips and other activities.
When their son attended college, and then graduate school, they stayed in touch through email. He never was one to talk on the phone. But, Arlene Holmes said, during the first months of 2012, his emails grew shorter and less frequent.
"I didn't realize that his loudest cry for help was his silence," she said.
They did talk on Mother's Day and on July 4. At that time, he was well into the process of building his arsenal and planning the movie theater attack.
'How does he even know how to use a gun?'
She had no inkling of what was to come just days later.
"When I heard, I asked myself, 'How does he even know how to use a gun?' " There had never been guns in the house. "I was shocked that he used a gun"
She was shocked again by what she saw the first time she visited her son at jail after his arrest. His hair was dyed bright red. He wore jail scrubs and shackles.
His eyes were darting all over the place, and "he had trouble finding each and every word."
She attended all his court hearings and all but a couple of days of the trial, which was in its 59th day Wednesday. She made the journey from San Diego to Denver just so she could sit in the same room with him. She was glad to see he appeared to be looking at her as she testified.
She has seen him only two other times in jail, but she has mailed him dozens of letters with photographs taken during his childhood. She wants to maintain a connection with him, so he won't forget the happy child and top student he used to be.
She wants to keep writing him, and perhaps even visit him if he'll allow it.
"People say to me that when your kid turns 18, you're done," she said. "It's not true. We're not done. We're never done, and that's why we're sitting here. We're not done."
Defense attorney Higgs asked Arlene Holmes whether still loves him, despite everything that has happened.
"I still love my son, yes," she said.
Why?
"Because I understand he has a serious mental illness. He didn't ask for that. Schizophrenia chose him; he didn't choose it."
And then, crying, she said it again: "I still love my son. I still do."
